Banking on a boy

I forgot to write that I bought some crib bedding prematurely. I actually saw this bedding last spring in a home store. I just loved it but sadly didn't have a "reason" to buy it yet and then it was gone. I had been dreaming about a little baby boy and every time I saw this bedding I just felt the most wonderful feeling, but then it was gone and I kind of regretted not buying it while I had the chance, not seeing anything since that I loved as much.

So now that I am pregnant I thought I'd ask the store manager on the off chance she remembered the bedding and might still be able to order it in? Well, better than that.... they still had the set in their storage marked down 1/2 price waiting to go out on a summer sale table. Well..... that was just too lucky not to feel like fate so I bought it. Now I just hope it's a boy! But even funnier, the girl tells me as I'm buying this, that they also have a set in pink in the back too. It was everything in me not to buy both sets to cover my bases. It's a final sale item so I'm just waiting to see if I cave and find out the sex next week to know whether I need the other set.

20 days later...

Well I guess that just shows how tired I've been the past couple weeks. It's been 20 days since I've written. It's up and down but by time I catch up on some things, the last thing I've felt like doing is writing.

Winter is depressing me now, as it always does come February. My u/s feels like forever away still and I still don't know if we're finding out the sex. I've started wondering if I should be feeling the baby move more than I have by now and am just generally starting to become antsy waiting for reassurance and grass.

I just feel remarkably blase about everything but this pregnancy, which in itself sometimes feels surreal. I go between wondering if I'm really pregnant, to feeling the reality of the baby moving, to evaluating my life and who this baby's mother really is. It's absolutely amazing when I feel the baby move, but I have to say it also kind of feels like a little alien invader... trying to wrap my head around the fact that there is something independent of me living inside my body sucking nutrients and energy out of me like a little parasite. Except you really love this little parasite.

I'm just feeling blase about not getting out more during the day, not having much ambition for anything, deciding what it is I want to be doing with my life career wise, which obviously takes a back seat for awhile now, but a decision I had been procrastinating on prior to becoming pregnant that I feel is important to reconcile through hobbies, designing and writing so I have more direction. I don't want to be this aimless mother who has nothing but her child as an identity.

I am just busting up waiting for my OB appt and u/s next week... March 4. I am going to drive myself crazy about finding out the sex till then. I probably would except that DH really would like to wait to find out but says it's totally my decision. Damn. I'm 50/50, I see both sides of it. It would be a big thrill after giving birth to be told "It's a boy" or "It's a girl" but I'm not sure that's worth the sacrifice it takes not really being able to have fun shopping ahead of time and the fun you can have with the nursery waiting for the baby to come. Ahhhhh... I hate yellow and green. I have 9 days left to stew about it.

Hospital Tour

OMG... what have I gotten myself into!

I just got back from hospital tour and got to see the birthing rooms. I was under the delusion it was going to be so much nicer since the staff raved on about all the new renos and the birthing rooms having a little living room setup and a private bath or shower. Rather than homey, it was more like a nursing home. It just really felt cold and it was just so odd thinking about how this is supposed to be the most special day of your life taking place in a room that makes you feel like you're going to die soon. Now I know why women want home births!

And then, the kicker was that they left me in the room to fill out paperwork and on the wall was a chart that showed the cm of dilation, from 1 to 10cm displayed in individual circles. Now 10cm doesn't seem so impossible when I imagined it on a ruler, but seeing it in a big circle has me traumatized. OMG.... I am going to need stitches. And I was considering NOT getting drugs. That's as bad as when I had a colonoscopy and they wheeled the machine with 100 feet of 2" camera pipe in BEFORE they put me out. Sorry that's all I can say today. I need to go curl up in a ball now.