Banking on a boy

I forgot to write that I bought some crib bedding prematurely. I actually saw this bedding last spring in a home store. I just loved it but sadly didn't have a "reason" to buy it yet and then it was gone. I had been dreaming about a little baby boy and every time I saw this bedding I just felt the most wonderful feeling, but then it was gone and I kind of regretted not buying it while I had the chance, not seeing anything since that I loved as much.

So now that I am pregnant I thought I'd ask the store manager on the off chance she remembered the bedding and might still be able to order it in? Well, better than that.... they still had the set in their storage marked down 1/2 price waiting to go out on a summer sale table. Well..... that was just too lucky not to feel like fate so I bought it. Now I just hope it's a boy! But even funnier, the girl tells me as I'm buying this, that they also have a set in pink in the back too. It was everything in me not to buy both sets to cover my bases. It's a final sale item so I'm just waiting to see if I cave and find out the sex next week to know whether I need the other set.

20 days later...

Well I guess that just shows how tired I've been the past couple weeks. It's been 20 days since I've written. It's up and down but by time I catch up on some things, the last thing I've felt like doing is writing.

Winter is depressing me now, as it always does come February. My u/s feels like forever away still and I still don't know if we're finding out the sex. I've started wondering if I should be feeling the baby move more than I have by now and am just generally starting to become antsy waiting for reassurance and grass.

I just feel remarkably blase about everything but this pregnancy, which in itself sometimes feels surreal. I go between wondering if I'm really pregnant, to feeling the reality of the baby moving, to evaluating my life and who this baby's mother really is. It's absolutely amazing when I feel the baby move, but I have to say it also kind of feels like a little alien invader... trying to wrap my head around the fact that there is something independent of me living inside my body sucking nutrients and energy out of me like a little parasite. Except you really love this little parasite.

I'm just feeling blase about not getting out more during the day, not having much ambition for anything, deciding what it is I want to be doing with my life career wise, which obviously takes a back seat for awhile now, but a decision I had been procrastinating on prior to becoming pregnant that I feel is important to reconcile through hobbies, designing and writing so I have more direction. I don't want to be this aimless mother who has nothing but her child as an identity.

I am just busting up waiting for my OB appt and u/s next week... March 4. I am going to drive myself crazy about finding out the sex till then. I probably would except that DH really would like to wait to find out but says it's totally my decision. Damn. I'm 50/50, I see both sides of it. It would be a big thrill after giving birth to be told "It's a boy" or "It's a girl" but I'm not sure that's worth the sacrifice it takes not really being able to have fun shopping ahead of time and the fun you can have with the nursery waiting for the baby to come. Ahhhhh... I hate yellow and green. I have 9 days left to stew about it.

Hospital Tour

OMG... what have I gotten myself into!

I just got back from hospital tour and got to see the birthing rooms. I was under the delusion it was going to be so much nicer since the staff raved on about all the new renos and the birthing rooms having a little living room setup and a private bath or shower. Rather than homey, it was more like a nursing home. It just really felt cold and it was just so odd thinking about how this is supposed to be the most special day of your life taking place in a room that makes you feel like you're going to die soon. Now I know why women want home births!

And then, the kicker was that they left me in the room to fill out paperwork and on the wall was a chart that showed the cm of dilation, from 1 to 10cm displayed in individual circles. Now 10cm doesn't seem so impossible when I imagined it on a ruler, but seeing it in a big circle has me traumatized. OMG.... I am going to need stitches. And I was considering NOT getting drugs. That's as bad as when I had a colonoscopy and they wheeled the machine with 100 feet of 2" camera pipe in BEFORE they put me out. Sorry that's all I can say today. I need to go curl up in a ball now.

The non-alcoholic hangover

We had a nice weekend away with staff..... dinner and an overnight stay at an inn followed by brunch in the morning. I got a little heavy into the ice tea during the party so between staying up late with the party and the caffeine disturbing my sleep, I am feeling pretty rough even two days later.

While the drinkers have likely all recovered from their hangovers, I seem to still have one.

There are so many things I should be doing today. There is no food in the house, well there is.... but nothing easy to cook and no bread. One cannot live without bread. All my personal items are still in my suitcase, including the much needed toothbrush and deodorant. My dogs would probably appreciate a little stroll outside. My house could use a little freshening up, especially before meeting a Doula here tomorrow. And of course there is that to-do list of items I keep meaning to get around to. All I feel like doing is curling up for another nap, which is probably my best chance at getting anything done later. That or another round of ice tea.

Doppler success

Last night I finally figured out how to use the doppler and found the baby's heartbeat, mind you I am almost out of ultrasound gel in my 3 day attempt. I have the Hi-Bebe doppler which was well rated on the internet and relatively inexpensive considering what they charge you to rent one for several months. Like all humans, I was about to blame it on the stupid device being a piece of #$%@ and send it back, but gave it one last ditched attempt after watching a youtube video where the girl said it took her a half an hour to figure it out but can now reliably detect the heart beat.

So with this renewed sense of determination knowing the problem was probably me, I decided to map out a larger area on my abdomen to hunt for the baby. I finally found him/her at the pubic bone with a lovely heart rate around 145. I could feel the anxiety melt away, until I realized that I was attempting all this in our back room which has no curtains and my neighbors might be wondering what that device actually was that I was half shoving down my pants. Oh well, they're semi-retired and probably need something to talk about after 40 years of marriage.

Maternity Clothes Shopping

Well it's official. I am getting larger. But this time I have an excuse.... I'm pregnant!! I went maternity clothes shopping for the first time with my mother. Hello Thyme Maternity!!! I managed to spend $350 in 10 minutes. They had a lot of cute stuff and the most comfortable bra EVER!!!! I mean EVER!!! I've been stuffing myself into my regular bras for too long and the girls were like having their own little party in this bra. It felt like heaven. I was almost sporting the uniboob so I figured it was about time to splurge. The bra was so amazing I made my mother try one on. She ended up getting one too. That's how amazing it was and we talked about it half the way home.

I can't wait to wear my new clothes tomorrow. I almost thought they had some kind of special effects mirror cause everything looked so good on, until I tried on a bathing suit and then I realized it truly was just some fine tailoring.

I try not to be one of those women that always goes on about her weight but after trying on a bathing suit, mid-winter at that, I am allowed this one day of whining. If I have my way, I'm going to undo the middle tire and replace it with a baby. Is this possible? I'm hoping to kind of even out, trade the 30lbs of fat for 30lbs of baby stuff. Either way I'm just entering back into the healthy lifestyle I used to have before spending my days this close to the fridge. Wish me luck... but for now I have my new sexy moma clothes to make me feel good.