Mother's Day

Ah, I can't write this post yet. I'm feeling better but trying to talk about the accident still makes me kind of emotional. I think I'm just starting to feel grounded after it all so it's probably a good idea not to tip the scale too much.

Let's just say I never thought there'd be a moment where I ever thought I would ever question wanting this child inside of me, but driving to the scene, not knowing whether DSD was alive or dead, just being told she had been badly hit by a car before I headed to the scene, for the second I allowed myself to think the worst, I couldn't even conceive of how you could reconcile having a new child while just losing one. And I know it didn't turn out that way and we're so thankful she's fine, but the whole thing has really shaken me up in ways that are hard to explain. It's taken over a week for things to feel real to me again. I felt like everything flashed before my eyes and that at any moment anyone I love, DD's, DH.... everything could change. And it can anytime, a reality we all know can come true and I am usually more grounded than this but it's put me on the sideline of my own life and I feel like I've just been watching everything from afar like there's something I'm failing to notice as to why this happened, and even more shockingly how the hell she even walked away from this after seeing what the car looked like. A trauma and a miracle all in one confusing package. And maybe I look for too much meaning out of life and should believe that some things are truly random, and even if not, that the message may not have been meant for me but this has me feeling like there's something bigger here than just being thankful she's OK. Or maybe I just truly am a hormonal pregnant woman :P I'm normally much more grounded than this. She is after all, fine.

Either way it goes down as the most amazing mother's day I will ever have. Dh was sorry he didn't have a gift after our hell weekend and I told him I already got my gift. One DD was OK and one DD is on the way. How does anything in wrapping paper compare to that?

Officially in T3 now!

Well I'm officially in T3 now and start going every 2 weeks to the OB!

Mom and I did some shopping at BRU before the appt and I had to get my baby girl fix buying "something" but contained myself to a $7 pack of pink wash clothes (pat on the back). But after looking at strollers again, I've confirmed to myself that I do indeed want to buy one of the most expensive strollers they have (not so good but you have to see this stroller!! :P). I've decided I'd rather get a few great pieces than a whole bunch of crap and I consider a stroller one of the most important purchases since it means some freedom from the house and some hope for my ass. People pay more for Jenny Craig.

I'm measuring right at 28.5w, BP is still great, HR is always around 145-148 and my echo cardiogram came back normal, well normal for having a heart murmur but the pregnancy is having no extra effect on it. I mentioned the BH with trying to exercise and he went from only cautioning to not take up rock climbing last month, to now telling me to take it easy the rest of the pregnancy.... crap. It always feels so rushed in there that I didn't really get a good understanding about when a BH is normal and when it crosses the line.... but he said if I got a few of them in a row, esp. not relieved by relaxing than I need to come in to get checked out. But today, for example, we wandered around shopping and I felt OK but had a BH getting up again a little while ago so did I do too much today then? or is it no big deal cause it was just one that went away when I sat back down. I'm lost. I obviously don't want to do anything to cause problems but I don't want to be unnecessarily sitting around either when you get them anyway. I guess I'll just tread lighter into activity and be happy that it's only 2w now between appts for these questions.

I had the funniest dream last night about my baby girl. I ran into some couple with an older baby that told me while their baby was cute, they couldn't believe how beautiful my baby was. Oh God, it starts already? I woke up laughing cause everyone thinks their kid is the smartest, cutest etc. and I couldn't believe I was dreaming that. Now in fairness to myself, in my dream I thought their baby was really cute and they were being unnecessarily hard on their child but my baby truly was remarkable :). Sadly I can't remember what her face looked like but it was so vivid in the dream.

I've been getting nervous thinking about the reality of this now, not a panic attack, but moments of fear where I think to myself about whether I'm going to be a good mother, be able to handle all that's required of me, what kind of a lifestyle change it'll feel like but they had a bunch of free magazines at the OB office that I stuffed in my purse and once I hit a few photos of newborns, I've been nothing but gushing all night. I can't wait. I sometimes can't believe this is all real.

28w Pregnancy pics

I've attached my 21w pics below for comparison. I wonder if I subconsciously didn't zoom in to the same level lol.... because it doesn't look too bad but I am definitely much, MUCH bigger now than it appears here. I'll have to retake the photos.

Kicked in the Ribs

On top of being especially active last night, baby girl gave me a good two kicks in the back of my ribs. Hurt like hell for a second but went away surprisingly fast. I didn't think my uterus would quite be up there yet but I don't know what else that pain would have been. Every now and then, she gives me a good hoof in the belly button. It's the only one that is so much stronger than the others and makes me jump and laugh. I'm not sure why, I guess it's just funny to me that something weighing 2lbs in there can keel you over like that. She was fully awake and moving around in there till 1am and I'm thinking to myself, this better not become a habit!! already!!!

I had a dream the other night that she was here, born. It started off odd, my GM had her and was trying to feed her a bottle. I hadn't seen her yet but when I walked up to her, she instantly lit up like she knew who I was and I just took her and started breast feeding her, which sorry... the concept in my mind is kind of gross/weird still at this point, but in my dream it just felt totally natural and I couldn't believe how happy I was. It was incredible.

Last night I had a dream about being in labor. The OB thought I had bronchitis cause of a funny sound in my lung. It wasn't necessarily a good or bad dream but just some anxiety surrounding labor and possible complications that could happen before giving birth. It's still neat to be dreaming about all this now. I was probably dreaming about my lung because of getting kicked earlier.

Still don't have a name sorted out. I was so opinionated when I was first pregnant, really loving Madison, until I found out how ridiculously overused it is now. I guess part of its appeal to me was thinking it was slightly unusual yet strong so this fact makes me hate it now. I think I've OD'd on the baby name books and websites since then and just don't have a thought about it at this point. DH like Scarlett Lauren. It's cute but it don't feel that light shining down from heaven with the music that makes it feel like "the one". Maybe that's too much of an expectation for a name but I just really thought something would hit me at some point as just being right. There's still time.

Belly PIcs from 21w4d

Well here they are.... Me at 21w4days pregnant with a baby girl!! I should have taken pics weeks ago. Not sure if I was just being shy or what but I had a burst of energy tonight. Finally.... that "energy" the pregnancy books keep saying I should get back in the 2nd trimester. I hope it lasts. I knew I was showing but I didn't really realize how much till I see it in a picture. Luckily I love the look of a pregnant so I'm truly on freaked out by the thought of labor, mind you the stretch marks have not arrived yet.





Here's a closeup of the belly. Not sure if I'm carrying high or low? I'd say I'm carrying horizontally. Maybe someone can clarify this for me if I invited more than one person to look at my blog (Hi Meg :). My question is if this is how big I am already after 21w, what am I going to look like in another 18???

The Death of Pepperoni Pizza

Well this is my 5th attempt to eat a slice of pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.... a Friday night ritual with the kids I used to love and I just can't eat it anymore, not even if I pick the pepperoni off. I've had to start ordering a vegetarian pizza for myself with the wildest stuff on it, one week spinach and feta, the next was green pepper/onion/green olives and this week I tried bruschetta pizza, and even then I'm not all that interested. Goodbye my old love.

20w Ultrasound.....It's a ......

GIRL!!!! DH was right (damn) but actually I was secretly hoping for a little girl. I just thought for whatever reason it would end up being a boy, just from dreams I've had and feeling from the first miscarriage. I actually had a dream prior to going for this u/s that the tech told me it was a girl! but when I told friends and family everyone kept telling me "No Carol, it's going to be a boy, you just wait and see". So I'm paranoid the tech missed "the parts" so my delivery day will still kind of be a surprise after all because that dream has me going enough to make me not entirely certain, but I am just thrilled it is a baby girl for now anyway.

The girls called that night at 9pm to see if we found out what we were having. They were so excited it was a girl. It's what they were hoping for too. It was really sweet to hear them cause you always worry about how they'll feel when you're adding a child into a mixed family, whether they are feeling so form of nervousness that we will love this child more.

Now I'm going to have to take that blue bedding back to the home store and BEG them to let me take the pink set if they still have it. It's a final sale and they don't have to do it but I was hoping since I'm taking the same discontinued set in the other color, they'll be nice and let me hopefully.

I've been around a bunch of pregnant people but I just can't get over the feeling when it is actually happening to you. I am just is awe that I have this little person growing inside of me and it became that much more real after my u/s. I didn't post sooner because the girls' mother tried to ruin our special day by yelling at me and DH that evening into the next morning, and I don't want to pollute this post with that story but that is why I'm now writing about it two days later. I was just too upset. Who does that? Tries to take you down on a once in a lifetime day? I will never have that day again and unfortunately she has to be part of that memory. I am beyond disgusted, but I am over it today but so sad that I didn't get to fully revel in my baby girl fully but at least I had 7 hrs with nothing but that wonderful feeling before the drama started and while that was just unbelievable, nothing can take away the feeling of how happy I am and how I feel like everything is just falling into place.

I have a lot of dreams but don't remember them entirely, but last night I was dreaming about my baby and she was really big, like somehow I missed the newborn phase and I was asking my mother if it was normal that she got so big right away. It was kind of funny but I was holding her in my arms and it was amazing. Oh I could go on and on..... it's just a very magical feeling.